clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
foreskin is a definite game changer
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
