I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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