i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
