Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
