No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
