I accidentally burped into my bong.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
