I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
