his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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