things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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