even my farts smell like vagina
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
