Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize