he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
