i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
