im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
