please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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