even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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