I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
