What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
