soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
