I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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