woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
