And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
