For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
