this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
