Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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