whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
