I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize