It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
