she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
