I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize