i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
third nipple confirmed
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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