it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
