This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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