Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
