My hand turned me down
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
