I got chris browned last night
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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