someone get that fucking seahorse.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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