What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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