I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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