how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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