I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize