I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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