I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
