dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
