I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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