I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
