I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
