what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
