11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
