Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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