I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
