I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize