I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
