On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Text me some of your sweat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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