im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
