is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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